i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
