Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
