sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
