I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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