I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
