alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
