I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
