she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
