I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
