I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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