I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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