Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
