if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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