I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
nutella sex= disaster
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
