I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
