Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
