You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
