Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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