Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
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I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
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You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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