So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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