your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
