i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
