I molested 6 butterflies tonight
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
