dude i'm inner monologue high
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
