barbara walters just said penis...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
