Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
