I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
