Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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