Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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