i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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