Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
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