The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
