when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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