I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
