I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
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Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
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They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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