I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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