You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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