watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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