And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I want her autograph on my taint
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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