I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
