My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
