The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
