Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Still dying that you shit outside
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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