ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
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