it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
