I can feel you judging me through the phone.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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