i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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