Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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