Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
