Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
