I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
