i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
