The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
thus making me awesome and them whores
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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