girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
