I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
