This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
