I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
