R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dignity is for republicans.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
