i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
