Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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