Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
