Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
