My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
