in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Randomize
